Suicide is not an option

Hi, I’m Michael and I’m a stroke survivor.

I’ve always been an extrovert - someone who naturally gravitates to the centre of the room, holding court, connecting people, enjoying the energy. But since my stroke, that experience has changed. I’m still an extrovert, but now I find the centre of the room overwhelming.

These days, I prefer to sit off to the side, quietly watching the connections I’ve helped foster come to life. I still love putting people together - over lunch, dinner, or coffee—but I no longer need to be in the thick of it.

I like to think of it as being extroverted, just at a lower voltage. And honestly, I thank the universe that I don’t swing any lower - because if I did, I might not be here.

The Fragile House of Cards

Every stroke survivor has days when it feels like nothing is going right. It could be frustration with your own body. It could be discrimination or ignorance from others. It could be a plan falling through that you’d built your hopes on.

And then something small happens - something that might not seem like much to anyone else - and the whole fragile house of cards comes crashing down. The cause doesn’t matter. The result is the same: collapse, pain, struggle.

When the Crash Comes

We all crash in different ways. For many of us, that crash brings depression. Sometimes it’s deep, dark, and dangerously overwhelming. That’s when I’m grateful for my natural positivity - my “naively stupid” optimism, as I call it. It keeps me from considering suicide.

I’ve had moments when I wished I had a “nuclear option” - something to show those who caused that final card to fall just how deep the damage was. Something that could make them see that although I may look like the same Michael as before, I am not.

A Lick, a Ball, and a Sunrise

But then something shifts.

My beloved German Shepherd will lick my hand or drop her ball in my lap. And in that small, beautiful moment, the light starts to return.

I remember that the sun will rise in the morning. That I am surrounded by amazing people. That I have so much more I want to achieve. And I realise that focusing on the negative - on those cards and the people who cast them - won’t help me rebuild.

Couch Time, Then Back to It

Sometimes I let myself take half a day. I binge a drama series, lie on the couch, and retreat. But only for a while.

Then I get back up. I put one foot in front of the other. And I go back to trying to save the world - my world - one step at a time.